don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Randomize
