I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
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