how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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