sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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