Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
My liver just had a heart attack.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
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