We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
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obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
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Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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