Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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