Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
