My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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