I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
It's never too late to be topless.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
