My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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