I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
