You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
