So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
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Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
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hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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