don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Randomize
