My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
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