dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize
