Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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