I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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