How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
