I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
