Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
