Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
