Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Drunk is a universal language darling
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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