yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
