Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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