I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
