Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
