My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
cat food counts as protein by the way
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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