On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
