there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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