btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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