I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Randomize
