I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
