theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
