I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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