well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
