Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
