A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
