i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
