I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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