If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
