Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
