so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I think im going to throw up on grandma
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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