I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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