im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
We're too hungover to prance.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
