I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
