wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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