I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
