Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
