So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
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the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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