I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
