I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
