Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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