Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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