So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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