he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
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Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
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You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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