saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
