just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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