Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
